BrownBag Series - November 2006 - Power and Success? Harder to Find a Partner? - Summary

Groups of women discuss provocative topics at locations in academia and industry throughout BC. November’s topic is: Status, credentials, power, success: do all these things make it easier or harder to find a partner? Here’s a summary of the discussion from the different locations.

Thanks to Michelle La Haye for compiling the November BrownBag data.

University of Victoria

The women at UVic felt that:

The social environment sometimes tends to pressure women into being what they are not, or into making more sacrifices than men do for a relationship.

The social pressure is as real for men as it is for women. For example, stay-home dads may not be viewed positively by the extended family, friends, neighbours, etc.

Meaningful relationships require women to be true to themselves.

Professional compatibility between partners may contribute to the success of a relationship.

Career plans are important determinants of compatibility; when career plans change, the relationship is re-assessed.

Continuous relationship change is a given and change in status and success are only two of the factors that can bring about such change.

Changes to relationships brought about by status and success can be positive, for example: one partner proud of the spouse’s achievements if the partner has self-esteem and does not feel threatened. Or if they do, it’s not clear that they are “partners”.

Simon Fraser University

Number of attendees: 22

The women at SFU have come to several conclusions based upon personal experience. These include:

It is important to include your partner in big decisions however not to let them dictate those decisions.

There are many factors involved in making decisions about career choices and you may have to give up some opportunities but you should have no regrets afterwards.

Women who choose degrees like Applied Sciences have to be brave. It is more difficult to build up a social network and that network may consist primarily of men which may make partners uncomfortable.

Having both partners with careers sometimes means that living together is not always possible, but one way to work around this is to always remain within a weekend commute.

Choosing what to focus on, career or relationship, is not black or white. There is always some compromise and both sides must be involved in the decision making.

University of British Columbia

Number of attendees: 16

The women at UBC addressed many questions and here are a few answers:

Are smart women attractive?

It is difficult for women in academia to “look good” since they are so busy.

Confidence and being happy make you attractive.

Good looks or attractiveness depend very much on factors such as culture and age.

Do relationships need and/or should get the same time investment as careers?

It is about balance. At certain times this balance must be shifted depending on demands. You should set out expectations in your relationship. Things may change, so communication is important. You need a shared vision or a common goal and/or the ability to compromise. If one career needs more time, the other may have to compensate. One important underlying thing is that women must understand what they want before starting to compromise.

How does achieving status and success affect a relationship?

It may be hard on one partner to have a successful partner. When a woman does well, she should remember to appreciate her partner’s successes and contributions as well.

NRC

Number of attendees: 24 women, 7 men

When asked the question “Does higher education and/or intelligence makes it harder for a woman (and a man) to find a partner?” the group at NRC said:

They are more demanding, they know what they want –making it “harder” for a potential partner to approach them and ironically more difficult for women or men to find that right person.

They don’t have enough time to meet people (busy with school, job, etc.)

They also concluded that

Yes, smart women are attractive if they are not arrogant and competitive (with their partners)

In a relationship, there has to be compatibility, common goals, support from the partner, and shared responsibility.

The whole question is based upon personal preference.

Important to be aware of mentioned issues (for instance arrogance, compatibility, ambition, self-esteem) and to be able to recognise and control that.

Douglas College

Number of attendees: 4

The women at Douglas College had a lively discussion about relationships and careers. They shared some common conclusions.

They have all made choices in their careers, sometimes favoring their relationship and sometimes favoring their career.

They had no firsthand experience of compromising their identities to be with a partner in the long term, but some in the short term.

They all felt, though, that they were confident in their own decisions.

Ballard

Number of attendees: 14 women, 1 man

The group at Ballard covered many questions and their discussion included the following comments around various topics:

Are women drawn to powerful partners?

Successful in career and balanced in life aren’t necessarily the same thing. Powerful people may be initially attractive, but can be quite controlling and driven. However, this isn’t always true. Work behaviours and personality can be different than how someone acts at home. (e.g. how does a boss’ voice change when talking to their spouse on the phone?)

Women as nurturers

Words used to described attributes of powerful women and men are still often different – tend to be more negative when describing women (e.g. pushy, aggressive, even ‘bitchy’). Many men seem to still prefer the woman as the nurturer.

Women as primary income-earners

Several women were the primary income-earners in the family, and most expressed they are happy with the balance. Some of the partners take on more of the parenting duties, while the women are more career-driven at this stage. Some of the male partners have been teased about having their spouse “wear the pants”, etc., primarily by their male friends.

Is it typical for the other partner to take on the support role?

A high-power career often requires a big time commitment, and when there are children in the family, it does help a lot to have a partner who has a more flexible schedule or who stays home. However, some examples were given of couples who both were in very high level, powerful, and time-intensive jobs, and who also had children. These couples tend to rely on having good nannies at home.

Parents/family reinforcing stereotypes

Do parents just want us to be happy? Not always – sometimes they are more concerned about their children being alone, because they can’t imagine that life can be fulfilling without a partner and children.

Stereotypes still exist – for example, comments like “What’s a nice girl like you doing in engineering?” This thinking is more prevalent in older generations. A lot has changed in the past 20-40 years. Most girls are no longer told that their career choices include being a secretary, nurse, or teacher. Some of the women in our discussion grew up with that kind of message.

Does a successful career make it more difficult to find a partner?

Generally, the consensus appeared to be that it does not. One issue is that if you spend a lot of time focussed on your career, it can make it harder to find someone, as meeting new people takes time and energy. Finding someone you consider to be an “equal” partner can narrow your pool, but it all depends on what you are looking for.