BrownBag Series - February 2007 - Negotiating a Move - Summary

Groups of women discuss provocative topics at locations in academia and industry throughout BC. February’s topic is: Negotiating a move? What do you do when you are offered a job in a place where your partner doesn’t want to live (or visa versa) Here’s a summary of the discussion from the different locations. Thanks to Michelle La Haye for compiling the February BrownBag data.

Locations: UBC, NRC, BC Hydro

Summary

It would seem the occurrence of long-distance relationships is on the rise, and that all women in this situation should keep in mind they are probably not alone. The challenges posed by a long distance relationship and the negotiations that must take place between partners is something that should be shared among all women so that the success we desire from our careers and relationships can be achieved. This month’s BrownBag Lunch discussions cover experiences from various women and suggestions they put forward as well as the complications of two-career relationships and some cultural differences surrounding this topic of separation for career.

UBC

“Ambition vs. Love”

The two-person problem or perhaps more accurately the two-career challenge. Both partners having a career is not a problem, but it certainly is a challenge. Here are some examples of the challenges.

– One partner has “made a sacrifice” by moving to another country so that their partner could do a PhD. The PhD is now complete. Should the first partner now be making the sacrifice? Should they return to the original country where the second partner can find a job more easily? – An assistant professor received a position at UBC while their spouse was a post-doc. Now their spouse is having trouble finding a permanent position. – Two graduate students at UBC are facing different end dates (several years apart) for their programs.

It was felt by the group at UBC that universities need to put more effort into assisting both partners when they relocate due to one partner being offered a position, a spousal hiring policy where it is in the contract to have a head hunter find the partner a job.

One particularly interesting point the group raised was the following:

There is a question that a person should pose themselves when faced with these types of situations and the answers may shed some light on things that would not normally be thought about.

“If your partner wasn’t in the picture, what would you do?”

NRC

Attendees: 18 (14 women, 4 men)

“Move or Lose: What to do when you have a job offer and your partner doesn’t want to move?”

Who decides?

– Is it a joint decision between partners or family members or does the person who received the job offer need to consider first his/her career or education?

What things need to be considered when making such a decision?

– The current status of the relationship – If there are any children and how old they are

What are the challenges?

– It is very stressful for partners to be apart and more so if there children are involved – Moving to a new country, culture, language will add stress. – Finances, e.g. maintaining two households or simply moving a family.

What factors are important in making these situations successful or manageable?

– Communication; phone calls, e-mails, visits are all necessary. – Strength and commitment to the relationship and each other is critical. – Having perspective is important, as the separation may only be temporary and the mutual long term benefits could be significant.

Two significant comments came out of the discussion at NRC. The first relates to one of the reasons fewer women are in higher positions. The second points out that other cultures have different views on this topic of separation for career in terms of long-term benefits.

1. Women often feel more limited in their options – they may lack the confidence to speak up and state their opinions or to ask what their options are.

2. Several participants of Asian background commented that there is a cultural component: the idea that people need to get through short-term difficulties in order to realise long-term happiness and success. It is not uncommon for families to be separated for a long time (many years).

BC Hydro

Attendees: 5

“What do you do when you are offered a job in an area where your partner doesn’t want to move?”

Key factors to consider

– Does the job have career advancement opportunity? – Does it fit with your career plan? – Where are your family and friends? Can you get support from them? – What is short-term vs. long-term plan? – What does it take to travel between the locations? – How much does it cost to maintain two households?

How to make it work

– Discuss your needs with your partner first. – Get help from wherever you can (family, friends, neighbours). – Set a timeline and review the circumstances when the milestones are reached. – Be creative and spend “special time“ with your partner and family. – Pay extra attention to communication. Don’t assume or take things for granted. – Be aware of all the factors and consider the trade-offs among them when you make a decision.

At BC Hydro the discussion ended on an article presenting the challenges of long distance relationships and the group listed some of the key characteristics of couples that can make such a relationship work. The challenge of long distance relationships

– Both members of the couple are committed to the relationship. – Both members keep their partners visible to the people around them, as well as to themselves. For example: pictures on desks, telling stories. – The arrangement meets the needs of both individuals. – The arrangement is within each partner’s physical “intimacy zone”. – Both partners are focused on their careers when they are working and on each other when they are together. – They consider carefully whether they have what it takes to add a “third career” (child-rearing) to the mix.